Monday, May 18, 2009


I'm getting lost today on the roads that lose me. Soemtimes I drive around trying to find reason becasue I struggle with choices. Trying to find someone or something that will take me seriously. I take a shit load of drugs, perscriptions that I am perscribed to depend on and drugs that I twist my mind into believing depend on me. We all need that feeling that we're needed. I can't imagine life any way diffrent.

The drives I've taken aren't helping me much, some days I'm not in any state to be behind the wheel, others, I'm too disgusted with the little pieces littering the highway to be disgusted with myself. I'm not in a very good place today.

I remember when I used to be the go-to girl for a hadful of friends. The best small group of people I could ever care to being associated with. In retrospect, all they did was care about me. Truly and I didn't care enough to notice it. Sure, everyone is after her own quest for self-acceptance and stability, but those friends cared what I thought, and I probably should have thanked them for that.

It's hard to sit here and say I should up and leave, just to get away from all this weight on my shoulders and all those pieces along the roadside, but those pieces are my own. Hopping on a bus and taking my changes out of here won't do much today. Perhaps another day; another dime.

So, I'm sitting here in a busted chair that's about as used and fed up as the body I'm in and still somehow comfortable. This, saying more than the soul I'm burying with alcohol. I had a cigarette and it's been a while. It's been a while and I'm thinking the only thing that's offered to take me seriously are the drugs I take when I can't relax.

There's no living life again.