This week has been a struggle. It seems like I clear one hurdle just to be presented with another one. After facing some hardships and struggling with some major health concerns, I received word that I'm being talked poorly about in an online forum by women that claim to be my "peaceful" and "natural" mothering peers... Such hypocrites. Although I'd love to call them out on these accusations and proclaim, "I feel for you" (I really do) it would serve no purpose. Best to put one foot before the next and keep walking. When it rains, it pours right?
Well, let’s just say that 2012 has been the mother of all monsoons.And this got me thinking…
Life really gets in the way of motherhood. It gets in the way of how I would like to mother my sweet boy. It gets in the way of simply enjoying being his mother. Just when I see the opportunity to carve out a few days to just be with and completely present for him, something seems to bring that to a grinding halt.
I absolutely adore being his mama with all my heart. I just deeply wish I could enjoy him more, without the stress of betrayal. I wish I had the backbone to deal with the hurt and keep a wall up instead of showing the entire world (virtually) my emotional crumble. I wish that life would allow me the space to catch my breath so that my sweet boy and I could enjoy some peace and calamity together. I feel so guilty sometimes that he has to share me with the challenges life has thrown our way; financially, emotionally, and most recently medically.And here I express my frustration - so bitterly disappointed in myself (in my weakness) and as this sweet boy's mama. It is my responsibility to guide him through these challenges, showing him how to cope with and grow from them. There is not another way for him to experience this side of life. I never wish these burdens to be placed in his hands directly.
Although life is not full of clarity and virtue everyday all of the time, it is also not a giant monsoon. It has its periods of discourse and its periods of harmony. We happen to be struggling through a period of real discourse right now. The sadness I feel is a result of the high ideals I have about how motherhood should look for my son, especially since he's at an impressionable age while all of this is going on around him.My son may not get it entirely at his young age, but he is not oblivious to the craziness going on around him either. He's a part of it. My job is to guide him through it, help him understand it, and when needed, help him heal from it. Because that is what motherhood is all about. I am supporting this beautiful little soul as he grows and everything we are dealing with is part of that.
Looks like I just might be growing too...
