Saturday, August 29, 2009

The way things really are

It used to be that I'd find a great guy and share an extraordinary friendship which over time became more emotional and eventually developed into an intimate relationship. My dating history is not by any means an extensive list of haves nor have-nots; however, a small list of painful memories and opportunities which introduced me to some marvelous individuals along the way.

When I met Lucas the circumstance were entirely different than they had been in the past. He and I both in a location, physically, we did not frequent and, emotionally, we could not by ourselves comprehend. It was an unusual evening and in retrospect, I am still very fortunate that our paths crossed.

Sometimes, I feel as though it shouldn't be this hard to keep our relationship alive. It shouldn't be this hard to smile, but I'm beginning to see that the mountains not only tower in physical height but in defeat, once again. My head is like a kite; my thoughts tied on a string dragging behind me in magnificent visibility. I guess on my end, I'm just too afraid to give up. I'd love to figure out what's wrong with me (although I wish modern medicine wouldn't direct toward perscription bottle solutions). I'd love also to believe that he'd never let me go. I want to believe that he'd fight till his dying day because I know I would. I've been searching the eyes of everyone I meet to find signs of him and an offering of reason as to why everything is suddenly feeling so uneasy. I'd fight whatever it is that's causing this trouble in mind if I could only realize where it all began. It's my life?

Picking up the telephone is perhaps the most selfish act I've had lately and now it's one of habit. I'm doing it in part because I am, quite honestly, curious as to what's happening in the receiving location. I'm also making calls because I need to feel the person on the other end. I've been in a cold state of mind lately - part of me ready to say my good-byes and a bigger part believing that I have no one to say good-bye to. I feel like this beautiful place I've been has been in a fog of surrealism leading me to believe there's been emotion and love where there hasn't. I'm in a position that's far beyond tears and the hope of a disappearing act in a crowd of faces I wouldn't recognize.

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