Tuesday, June 30, 2009


I woke up today in a weird place, in time. A grey place where it wasn't dark anymore and it wasn't quite light - just grey and kind of cold.

Sometimes, I get really angry with myself for thinking so much about everything around me in such a negative way. I'm finally trying to get a better perspective about my life and a better handle on the things that shape it. I'm really trying to understand the whole concept of feeling human without skepticism anymore.

Yet, I'm living in a system that doesn't force people to risk anything. I'm breathing a life that is not in control, but won't lose control. I feel like I will never stop fighting, yet I don't fight. I think there's a beautiful thing about the Chinese Taoism teaching to embrace and endure, and I find it rather entertaining how the Western world optimistically believes that if you embrace, you will endure.

And what exactly was that moment of greyness this morning? I suppose just a tired sunset that I called a sunrise because I haven't a clue. Maybe I'm just a fatigued as the sun, anyway. I feel like it. I'm emaciated, detached, and I feel lately lacking in life. I have, over the last two months or so, discovered my desire for solitude, perhaps of habit, like a woman suffering leukemia, only mine is an illness of spirit.

This past weekend has been rainy, and I feel like everything is exactly the same on a rainy day, where I can rest outside for hours while it pours and pours on me. There's no comfort in water and no comfort in stars. There's no comfort in knowing that the sky will clear up to something beautiful - because there's no saying when.

I'm learning an awful lot about myself lately without the presence of other people. For example, I spend entirely too much time outside in my garden and I never actually do much in terms of horticulture. It's funny that way. I just think the whole time, and feel the rain which is steady and just enough to let me know I still feel something. I think about art and how foolish it really is to think that I can stop and capture something beautiful as it is while it naturally occurs. My eyes are cold and dull but there is truth in them. I think about everyone that I am not and how they're all alike yet different. How they're all addicted and insane and how I'm just the same, and different.

Perhaps it's time to do some purifying?

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