Tuesday, June 23, 2009


She once said she never liked to be alone, and it's kind of funny the way she rarely is. She has this sort of magnetism that attracts people to her. She hates it.

I had a marvelous discussion the other day and I feel like I might be one person that understands loneliness better than a lot of other people do. I guess a girl can't quite understand that level of solitude until she's watching someone die. I'm battling the sky.

I feel sometimes like a tramp - like I use my own body for satisfaction and communitcation instead of harboring the suggested behaviours of health and well-being. But sexuality is more about the mind and body finding harmony that it is about the body and instant gratification.

There are days when I sit outside under the warmth of the sun holding my hands to my chest - holding my hands against the life I had. That part of me is now so far gone that I can only see it when it appears while I dream. I'm loyal and I'll remain this way until the day that I die, but after that, it's uncertain. Nobody knows what lies behind the day we die.

Sex is only a part of the quest to be beautiful. I miss that part of physically being with Lucas while we're on opposite sides of the country, but I know that in life and in love people are constantly promising but never really after a promise. Instead, searching for a guarantee that whatever it is that two people share won't ever slip away.

I feel sometimes like we're slipping.

The way I'd like it to go isn't always the way it ends up happening. I think sometimes that what we do is complicating our lives vicariously through blocking our emotions because they're ugly on the inside. We're bitter and irritate and we should probably sing songs while we sail through the sky instead. Besides I believe that I'll know what he means when he flies and also when he comes down. Maybe it should all just be simplified, instead of worrying about circumstance and anything else weighing us down.

I don't want to be together. I don't want to be apart.
I'm yours. You're mine. That's it.

She probably wouldn't hate being alone if she took the time to understand what it was really all about.

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